guilty by reason of

do you judge people? i totally judge people. i am probably judging you right now. i also dish, gossip, vent, share. you do it, too. don't lie. it feels totally normal, sometimes bad, mostly normal.

spending time with friends includes some dishing, gossiping, venting, sharing, and judging. judging ourselves, each other, other people. it is interesting. my friends (i.e. "you") are so different in personality, habit, and beliefs, but so similar in values. we can discuss my spiritual neutrality or my lifestyle, and argue over whose position is 'right.' it can get heated. you people have convictions, you may even judge me. and that seems ok.

the part that makes it ok for me to judge and be judged is because we trust each other. i have complete trust that your judgement, guidance, worry, and advice comes from your wanting to help me have a better life, be happy, even make the world a better place. you might only have had me do it differently because you could see how doing so wouldn't have hurt me. you want to protect me. you want to make it better, easier, for me and for those around me. we want happy! and once it's done, you are right there ready for the next conversation, taking what we've learned and using it to help each other navigate. at least that's how i use the term: to judge, pass judgment. get the verdict, hear the advice, take it or leave it, and move on. together.

rarely do i judge and sentence to life. it is fleeting. a quick "i would'a" and "why." most of the time the conversation itself leads to a better understanding of the person, the decision, and maybe even a change of course. sentence suspended for lessons learned. and maybe i still disagree, but that doesn't mean we can't still get along.

why the blog, then? i was just thinking about how much trust this friendship thing takes. how much you have to trust that the friend is on the same page as you are. know the laws. the procedures. and the optimal outcome: mutual support and life lessons learned.

what happens when someone judges you and you aren't ready for the verdict? can i make an appeal? i often accept that it's my own insecurity and uncertainty that is causing the feeling of 'being judged' while the other person is simply trying, and failing, to help or share. or their certainty makes me (uncomfortably, but necessarily) reassess my own beliefs -- are my beliefs as solid as i thought or do i need to adjust? in all, the judge is probably trying to help. i will always give the benefit of the doubt. it is faith in friendship.

but when is it time to tell the judge that they're breaking the law of trust? i've trusted you with my feelings, lifestyle, choices, habits, and now your judgement is hurting me? you are questioning the very fundamentals of my life based on your own perspectives without any hint of trying to understand them. or maybe you do understand completely, but are still quite certain it is your right and duty to point out their weaknesses. my weaknesses. and, hell, maybe the judge is right! the civil rights activists were right to pass judgement and take action against racism, right? but between friends that law of trust doesn't need to be broken. taking cheap shots at my personal foundation doesn't sound like friendship, or even judgement. it sounds like righteousness, which goes hand in hand with insecurity itself.