learning curve

i don't believe that i had a real 'girl' friend until i was in my mid-20s. i wasn't a loner or anything; i just wasn't doing the friend thing right.

i could go all psycho-babbly about my mommy issues, the fact that my childhood "first best friend" was a pathological liar that i secretly hated, or that my grandmother was a manipulative narcissist. i didn't have a sister. i couldn't horse whisper my pony, Lucy. i was sailing on a huge fail boat with regards to female bonding.

not that i need it, per se, but i was curious about the different types of counseling:

• Couples / Marriage
• Children / Adolescents
• Anger Management
• Grief Therapy
• Depression and Anxiety
• Pre-Marital Counseling
• Life Coaching
• Sexual Counseling

notice: there's no one specializing in friendship. i can't find a decent textbook or an etiquette lesson on best-friend necklaces and appropriate listening skills. i just had to wing it, right into the rocky shoreline of friend break up.

some people are naturals. i am always so jealous of them! when i'm sitting in the back of the room (making inappropriate remarks to my person, usually), they are legitimately making connections. ugh. bitch. how can you be so gregarious when i'm so painfully cynical? why is my friend-o-meter set to "intolerant?"

but, this story has a happy ending. some time in the middle of "me" i figured girl friends out, with a lot of help from those who i, apparently, didn't push away enough. lucky me! yay!

in all the trials, i realized i just can't fake it. either you're my person, or you're not. if you're my person, i have to trust you. i have to take a risk. if you're not, well, nothing personal. i guess you're just not. i'm sure your people are out there, but it would be stupid for either of us to waste any time being awkward together. right?

overall, the scariest things, like trust, have been the most worth it.

i love my people -- my little trust tree. i just wanted to take a moment to thank you publicly for being so damn awesome. thank you for knowing that i have phone phobia and very little energy for hours of day to day chatting. thank you for knowing that i always want a big hug, but even after a serious hug intervention, still get a little rigid. thank you for not calling me "sweet" or "nice." thank you for listening and letting me listen. thank you for telling me that i need to step off the crazy train. thank you for not giving up on me, even though i am pretty sure i still suck at this more than most.

heart.