unacceptable

i think i mentioned more than a year ago that when i'm busy using my words for good (i.e. income generating wordsmithing), i often don't bother with the using-the-words-for-evil. and, i may have also mentioned that my life now consists of telling anyone who will listen stories about my pets (sigh - but they have been sleeping together on the same bed at night, so cute. they're sharing a bed and lizzie just growls herself to sleep. wanna see the photo? ugh. i'm doing it again.). boring.

here are some news briefs that are a tad too long for Facebook, but i would still like to remember them:

Redneck Underwater Yacht Club

Against my will, Dan signed me up for scuba class in August.

"It's only one weekend..."

False.

It was two full high-value summer weekends with faulty equipment, a man dressed as the Fruit of the Loom apple as our instructor (wetsuit: TMI), a trip out to sea in a boat that smelled of fish guts ("Sorry, guys, the dive boat is in the shop"), and, on par with the charm of North Carolina, a day trip to Fantasy Lake Scuba Park. I don't know whose fantasy it is to sink a bus, some trucks, and an airplane that reminded me of my 5th grade viewing of Hatchet into an old rock quarry and then go "tour" them underwater, but it's f*ed up. I'd rather risk my life with the sheels (half-shark, half-eel. they're real.) in the Atlantic than ever go back there. but, now i'm certified to scuba. sort of.

from hero to zero

i like to boast about my experience in airports - i used to know exactly how early to leave the house to be there on time (Stansted, Luton, Heathrow, AND Gatwick, b*tches!), where to park, where to get coffee, where to get cash, where to get booze, and knew how to pack as to never (ever) have my luggage pass the weight limit to the point where RyanAir tried to rip out my gold fillings to pay the excess baggage fee (they needed the money to tape up their windows). EB and i even stocked our carry on with Polish pottery and dreams of Yarek to the tune of 30 lbs. and were able to skirt our way past the Poland security system. the trip of legends.

so, after a year long hiatus from the friendly skies, i had to make a business trip to Madison, WI.

the result: i looked and felt like a complete douchebag.

1) almost panicked at check-in because i "forgot my passport." really?

2) my bag was 8 full pounds over the limit, so i had to shuffle all my goods around in front of the rapidly growing, and impatient, queue behind me so i could still smuggle two bottles of Italian wine to AT. everyone saw my undies.

3) i wore difficult shoes, a belt, and a watch. everyone saw my hideous blue and black polka-dot socks.

4) i was one of those people with a suitcase and 11 plastic bins (one for the items above), and one for each my jacket, my laptop, my camera, my purse, and my humiliation.

5) i had liquid in my carry on. EFF! with all of that baggage shuffle, i dropped my makeup bag in my wheelie bag and suddenly my eye makeup remover was being confiscated. luckily i'd been too cheap to visit Clinique, so it was only a minor blow.

i was off balance, to say the least. but i made it to madison. and, despite an annoying cancelled flight on the return, i also made it home a little more composed.

opposite land
earlier this summer, i wrote about my black thumb and my $500 salad. as a bit of an update, i am not sure it has so much to do with me, as it has to do with the fact that the land i occupy is in a vortex of some sort. after everything died, i sort of gave up. (i did get a bountiful harvest of tomatoes and my dreams of pesto definitely came true. otherwise, i stuck to flower pots and flipping my garden boxes the bird when i passed by.)

lo-and-behold - it's OCT-effing-TOBER and i've recently harvested three giant eggplants, a bowlful of okra, three salads worth of rocket (arugula), hot peppers, enough basil to make a pesto smoothie, and now my bell peppers, watermelon, cucumber, cabbage, and zucchini all have tiny fruit on them.

WTF?? we're about t-minus seven days from the first freeze of the year, and my garden is acting like Rip Van Winkle, "Oh, good morning, is it time for the summer harvest?"

no. it's not. now i just get to watch my 2-inch bell peppers and 6 ounce watermelon freeze on the vine.

stupid garden.

here's that picture of my pets.