Week 1: From PTSD to parenthood

Immediately after baby went safely to the nursery, I crawled into bed. I was more sore, exhausted, hungry, and thirsty than I've ever been. I felt like I was baby M. I felt fetal, small, and helpless. My ankles crossed and my knees tucked up in this big hospital bed that could fit two of me. I needed help just standing up. Finally, I was alone for the first time in hours and only thought one thing: What have I done?

Each time the nurse aide woke me up to check my vitals, I sucked in my breath with a little panic and adrenaline surge through my ears thinking that, for some reason, she was coming to get me to take me into the delivery room. Nooo! No! Then relief when I realized that I had already done it. I already had the baby. No more labor. I was suffering from back labor PTSD.

Dawn came, and the nurses were in to check on me every hour. By 8:30 a.m., I thought, "Hm...I'm here for a reason. I am pretty sure I had a baby early this morning. Wonder where she is?"

Slowly, I could feel myself going from, "What have I done?" to "Holy shit! I actually DID that! WOW!"

Every minute baby M was with me, I could feel that warm mother-y feeling growing and growing. It's like a wash of emotion containing an equal parts terror of something happening to this little person you've just been given and the simultaneous relief that nothing has, yet. It's the "I would throw myself in front of a bus for you" feeling? Extreme.

On daddy
He is a saint, doula, hero, perfect daddy in every way. Everyone knew that would be the case, so I am just happy to see him performing at this exceptional level of perfection. I am the luckiest person on Earth, even though I feel sad when he does something way better than me - like I'm a worthless, mother-instinct-lacking failure. It's one of those things I'll just keep dealing with because it's all about baby and not about me. And I'll catch up. Luckily I have boobs, so baby and I get some great bonding time, and I get to practice my solo skills.

I did thank him profusely for being so amazing during delivery. I was so out of it, there was none of that glow-y mother-father-baby perfection. It was more like me demanding ice chips and cursing his virility. I think he forgives me. 

Good news
I almost have a belly button again
I can admire my pedicure without bending over
My boobs are even bigger!

Did someone say boobs?
My random thought after a week of breastfeeding and simply "dealing" with the exacting pain this baby delivers every three hours or less was, "Wonder if I was into nipple clamps, would this hurt so much?" My terribly un-kinky side will never know I guess. But aside from the painful swelling and tender, tender nips, my boobs are fabulous. Porn-star quality when the milk first came, and pretty damn decent after. Yes, I will do as suggested and wear a v-neck that fits loosely around the waist to hide my bulging belly and enjoy my, probably temporary, time as a C-cup. Rock it!

Girl, girl, girl!!! Shows 10-times daily! More on boobs. I pretty much spend half the day with them hanging out. Why is this important? Well, my own father lives a continent away and the decision as to whether he should accompany Grammy Jackie for the birth of his second granddaughter was a weighty one. It takes 13 hours, three airplanes, and a car ride to get from his house to mine, and we didn't know if baby M would even be on time. This all being said, I'm pretty pleased that we decided to keep him at home taking care of the ranch and just sending photos and Face Time-ing. The extreme awkwardness of trying to cover the ladiez between feeding, air drying, testing out milking apparati, and general boob awareness would have been too much to bear. It's a little awkward just reading this.
Lessons
Never have unprotected sex. Ever. Well...
Hospital-grade stool softeners are your friend
Stock up on laundry soap because babies are dirty laundry factories
If you plan to breast feed, you might consider letting your cat start gnawing on your nipples now to prepare

Things I never thought I'd say
I milked myself today
I lost 19 pounds this week

Rest and recovery
Thanks to my domestic - Grammy Jackie - I have been able to sleep when baby sleeps, eat as meals come hot from the kitchen, shower daily, brush my teeth daily, and avoid many of the exhaustive trappings of new parenthood. Of course, I'm keeping odd hours due to late night/early morning feedings, but with naps, hydration, ibuprofen, a heating pad, and food, I am starting to feel human again. I am amazed at how sore my body is, like I was put in a washing machine on the agitate cycle for 24 hours. I am slowly able to walk around the block, readjusting my posture and strengthening my back. Baby M, Henry, Grammy and I took the B.O.B. out for a spin, awesome. I know it's just Week 1, but I'm hopeful that we can feel physically better soon - more so I can enjoy baby before she's all grown up and going off to college.