i miss my grammie

before we get started i am not barefoot, nor am i pregnant. thankyouverymuch. but i did recently purchase a sewing machine.

already i have fixed four pair of trousers, three shirts, and a coat. (i use the term "fix" loosely because my seams sort of resemble the arabic alphabet: أ ب ت ث ج ح خ د ذ ر ز س ش ). but i am improving, sort of. mom sent me some fabric for christmas so now dan and i have matching Oregon/Oregon State pillows, aprons, and potholders. i even made dan a coffee cosy for his cafetiere.

not only is this saving me some money in alterations, but it is providing me an "occupation." instead of watching hours of TV during the long dark winter, i watch hours of TV while pinning stuff together. or i listen to podcasts while i crookedly stitch my latest project.

as i sat concentrating on my ducks potholder, i suddenly thought of Grams. as a kid she taught me to embroider, and i sucked at that, too. but it was fun to sit next to her and work on my Simba dishtowel as we watched Perry Mason on TV. she was always occupied with sewing projects -- zillions of doilies, patchwork quilts, afghans, embroidery, braided rugs...

after a few sewing projects, i feel like i understand her a little bit more. she was drawn to sewing for the same reason i am: being occupied. productive. creating. passing time with a purpose.

i wanted to keep learning, but i kept growing up - sports, 4-H, school, driving, music, and a million other things took priority. i always thought i would get back to it later when i had more time.

when i bent the needle on my little machine yesterday, i wished for the first time in years that i could call her. i wanted to ask advice and tell her that i wanted to learn what she knew. could she teach me how to make the rows straight or join the fabrics on a corner? could she show me how to knit a scarf? would she define "basting" and "on the bias" for me? why won't my invisible hems catch right? how come the tension on the thread is so testy?

the worst part is i can call her. but she wouldn't know who i was. it's been like this for a while and we've all sort of come to terms. but this rekindling of interest in things domestic made me miss her all over again. it's horrible missing someone who is still alive.

i don't have regrets, really, because we did spend so much time together doing so many fantastic things -- from motorcycle trips, crab fishing, and mushroom hunting to walking the dogs, making biscuits on sunday, and playing Muggins in the camper -- but still, there was so much more we could have had. so much we could have learned. it is so crappy.

i miss and i love you grams, and i hope you still remember that somehow.