Idiot-proofing the baby library: My review of “Oh, the Thinks You Can Think!”

OH, THE THINKS YOU CAN THINK!

Written and illustrated by Dr. Seuss
Random House (1975) (Board book, ages 6+m)

I am a big fan of Dr. Seuss. I remember those days curled up on the sofa reading about the silly alien guy who wouldn’t even taste that green ham, so that tiny other alien followed him around bugging the shit out of him for what seemed like eternity. Just try it, already, I would beg and giggle because I knew the end.

Spoiler alert: Big alien loved that rotten food after all!

It wasn’t just “Green Eggs and Ham” either. I loved that “cat” alien and his pink slime, the Grinch, the colorful fishes, and the magical worlds that were even more fun when Dad was having a hazy poker night and the Dead were blasting on the home stereo.

But, here’s my problem with this particular board book. It’s a six-year-old’s novella adapted for a b-a-b-y.

Jesus, just because it’s a great book, doesn’t mean it’s suitable for infants. There’s a reason Disney hasn’t put out Pulp Fiction the Musical (although, there could be some fun in an Alan Menken song called “Ball Gag.” Think on it, Disney, and give me a call). 

Anyway, it’s true I was getting high on Seuss at the literate age of four. I’m advanced. But, not eight months.


At eight months we’re teaching shit like “don’t eat that,” “don’t eat that, either,” “definitely put that down and away from your mouth RIGHT NOW before I puke,” and “seriously, you’re going to eat puke, too?”

How is my kid going to learn anything if she’s introduced to things like “Guff” and “Schlopp” and “Na-Nupp” when she hasn’t mastered the basics of “no”, “yes,” and “dog?” She’s going to walk around making up some crazy ass language, and her preschool teachers are going to think we taught her Quenya, then they’re going to call child services. I see my future.

Then there are the illustrations. I appreciate the inclusion of “horse,” bird,” and “elephant,” but these drawings don’t even remotely resemble the actual animals in question. A horse with rabbit ears, a bird with hair, an elephant…well, I’ll give you a pass on the elephant.

Books are supposed to help kids learn about imagination, fantasy, and things their parents don’t want to talk about aloud. Baby books are supposed to help babies learn simple concepts like “red.”


The only thing my kid learned is that terrible Dr. Seuss board books printed in Mexico taste delicious. 

Please don’t call child services.