the only way to get off the hamster's wheel is to step sideways.
i had never understood the concept of hamster-wheel living until i had a baby.
i step into the hamster's wheel and start walking - through wake up, laundry, [spinning], diaper, breakfast, [spinning] dishes, drop-off, [spinning], work, pick-up, snack, walk dog, [spinning], shop, clean, entertain, [spinning], bath, diaper, bed, [trip, cradle], sleep, wake-up.
to be fair, my personality is terrible for parenting.
these are the areas where my brain thrives:
- consistency
- efficiency
- time for quiet reflection
- time to make calculated decisions
- planning
- thinking
- working toward a goal
- long stretches of uninterrupted time to achieve a powerful result
- complex problem solving
if you have a child, then you got to the first item on the list and started laughing.
by the time you got to the end of the list, maybe crying.
every part of parenting is directly in opposition to this list; therefore, a big part of me is in direct opposition to parenting.
every thing my brain wants and needs is assaulted by the inconsistent, messy, noisy, impulsive, emotional, irrational, perpetually moving thing called parenting.
i am often overwhelmed, by the thing. i just get on that damn wheel without even realizing it.
as nap time approaches, i get anxious - what if she doesn't fall asleep this time (even though she's missed approximately 1/100th of her naps in 18 months)? as bath time approaches, i get anxious - what if she cries again when i wash her hair (and she does, for 10 seconds, and the rest of bath is awesome). as dinner time approaches, i get anxious - what if she won't eat tonight (and she doesn't, kind of, and then she sits on my lap and eats my food, and then i don't eat and then wonder why my jeans are too big).
i become obsessed by the clock, the possibility of inconsistencies, the constant change. i get angry at the time it takes to do a simple thing, like go for a walk because i forgot the snack, the leash, the sunglasses, the shoes. i get frustrated at the whining and the noise and the mess. i want to be left alone.
there are a few things that are important to note:
- having a baby changed me; i will never go back to being my old self. she doesn't exist anymore.
- my personal having of a baby, being a parent, and my existing inside of that new reality is unique to me, like a fingerprint. i am not doing it wrong, i know that. i am doing it my own way. and my many friends aren't doing it wrong, they are also doing it differently, in their own ways.
- when i say i am a terrible parent, it means i am not naturally good at this co-existing with a tiny human being and all that comes with her. i strain against the bindings instead of flex and bend. i am taking yoga classes.
- i like to be around other parents and their children with my child. i like being with groups of moms and dads and toddlers and existing inside of that chaos and flexibility. it allows me to relax, let go, and not worry. let's call it behavior modeling.
- i can't imagine what my life would be like without my daughter. i don't want to imagine that. this journey was so totally meant to be, that there is no point in considering another. it has been difficult for me, fact. But what's worth doing if not the difficult things?
i am slowly learning what it means to step sideways. this book, and this blog, and this article, and this one, and so many others are screaming - just get the fuck off the damn wheel.
microwave some taquitos, skip bath time, eat pears from a can, forget the diaper bag, drink wine on the porch, watch tv. jesus mother of mercy, you're driving yourself insane.
i have new friends here who - even though the probably don't know it - help me every day. they take their kids to the zoo. i can do that. they skip a nap every now and again - i can do that. they get a housekeeper one month - i can do that.
it's time for me to use my awesome brain to solve this complex puzzle instead of fight against it.
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