why don't you write anymore?

i was reading a book review about a book that was about an author, but also about the author in that autobiographical way that fiction can be.

"a blocked writer...who can barely get a word down before rethinking it and concluding that 'to say anything at all would be a mistake.'" 

i totally get that.

but also, for the love of god, it's fucking BLOG. i'm over thinking it. i know.

but, i've had a lot of time to time to spend with my demons over the past year, and those bastards can really fuck a person up. between anxiety and self-loathing, and back again, you start to doubt, well... pretty much everything.

now, i'm not having a pity party or anything. i'm just saying that i've struggled over the past year. more intrapersonal struggle than i have ever had to struggle. more fight. more climb. more futility. more self doubt. more shame spiral. more on the line. more apologizing. more being tired of having to work on it. more wanting to be left the fuck alone. more white hot rage. more fear.

i sound like a candidate for Mom of the Year, right?

the good news is i've never felt alone. thank you, friends.

the good news is i'm not ashamed of any of this, including my real battle with anxiety. one that i've known about for years, but never truly engaged with (feint, feint, feint.) after childbirth, i realized it was better to fight, fight, fight. pushing back feels powerful.

the good news is i'm trying to stop listening to my own bullshit. i know that i need to be less alone. i need to be out in the world more, connecting more frequently with real people. connect with me. i am a problem solver. give me an assignment. i need to create things to build my confidence.

the good news is i feel good about life 98% of the time. the view out my window is good.

but, if you've ever known anxiety or depression, you know that 2% can be commanding.

a tooth is 2% of your skeleton, but when that fucker is abscessed, you're not thinking about your healthy femur. nope, Mr. Molar has control.

this is me saying: maybe i'll write some more.